The first one...

Hey guys

When I initially heard the news that Chester Bennington from the band Linkin Park took his own life, I was reflecting on some of those very dark days I used to have......

When I was active in my addiction to alcohol, suicide crossed my mind several times a week. I was stuck, depressed, isolated and had such a deep hatred for myself but somehow I never "brave" enough to do it. Luckily, I was too scared to end it. I even went as far as applying for a handgun permit. This was in 2010 before the government cracked down on acquiring handguns and handgun permits. Several people I knew in the town I live in got their permits in a matter of weeks (permits are issued by the town you live in and they push the paper through after you pass the FBI fingerprinting and background check. Thats how it is in NJ anyway) My permit was seriously delayed (took 7 months) and I didnt understand why. I had 2 police officers as character references and the 3rd was a woman who worked in a police station for 20+ years During my deep drepressive state I wondered if I would use it to take my own life. Would I do it if I had the means?

Well, here is where it gets interesting.... My last drink was on Thur Sept 9th 2010 My first AA Meeting was Sat Sept 11th 2010 My gun permit arrived Monday Sept 13th 2010

I am grateful that I never needed to find out if I was strong enough to do it. I am lucky to still be here and am grateful for the life I lead today. Shit gets tough from time to time and things aren't always perfect but I am glad that I have found new outlets to deal with my demons There are ways to cope and things can and do get better if you are willing to work for it and change what needs to be changed